the other side

Corner of an endless road

2008-04-16T00:34:00.003+10:00

It has been a while since my last post but I have been having a ball working up in coastal NSW - enjoying the climate, beach, drinks and a whole different lifestyle. I won't lie but I missed Melbourne - its music and food scene is one of the best in the world. I didnt miss the routine that goes with living in Melbourne. The work was the same but everyone there is mostly there temporarily so this gave a "holiday" feel to everything. So now I am back in Melbourne again and sort of have an empty feeling... sort of like a part of me knows that I shouldn't live here for a while.

Luckily I have booked my great adventure which starts on Monday! I start by flying into London then mainly heading to eastern europe for 3 months. Then cuba for a month and then onto south america. This is something I have been dreaming of for ages and I can't wait. Whilst being apprehensive about traveling alone on the other hand the thought of traveling for 8 months is so exciting. I cant wait to see the sights, sample the foods and meet loads of people.I think the rest of this year will be an adventure... I have vague itineraries but no real plans for where I am going to be and when apart from the various flights that are booked which is always an exciting form of travel.

When I get back next year who knows where I will settle - maybe in Sydney or maybe even just travel around Australia working... There are lots of options.

In terms of the sexuality front.. lets say its dead in the water at the moment. I have lost interest in the few guys I was dating before leaving Melbourne. Friendships maybe.. but one is way too clingy I think even for that. I guess the best part of travel is that I can explore it without feeling like I need to hide something. The anonymity that goes with being in a foreign country helps that.

This is probably going to be my last post for a while, possibly forever. The blog, like myself feels unfinished. There is no happy ending, no torrid romances and no resolution. I would make the worst film ever... I don't know if I ever will be comfortable with my sexuality or even happy if I was comfortable but in saying that I know few people completely comfortable in their own skin. I just need to find one that fits... sometimes these things just take time though.

Thanks to my readers, commenter's, lurkers and msn chat buddies - if anyone is traveling around or lives in general vicinity of above places that I am travelling too drop me an email (theotherside78@gmail.com) and I can send you my travel blog details + msn and hopefully we can catch up for a random beer or four.

Take care :)

Release

2008-01-29T00:51:00.000+11:00

Last night I got very drunk (not a rare occurrence recently) and was able to enjoy the public holiday today without having to work. The night was like any other really except for the fact that I have now come out to one of my friends! The night ended with just the two of us sitting around drinking and talking shit. We were getting all deep and meaningful and then she told me something quite personal. I said in return that I had something to tell her since we were sharing - i said that i've been seeing a few guys this year. Then came the questions and I basically told her the story that you guys all know.

I really have never been worried that my friends would not support me if I told them. I guess the biggest hurdle is how do I define myself to them. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be and the fact that I can feel comfortable talking to at least one of my friends about it means that at least I have progressed a little in a year.

Dont have any plans as yet to let anyone else know but I am sure it will come...

Going to be heading up to Sydney for a bit next week and then up north coast NSW for work for a couple of months. If you're around let me know. Always happy to meet new people.

the fear you wont fall

2008-01-24T00:27:00.000+11:00

The death of someone so close to our own age-group is always so confronting. It brings thoughts of your own mortality and how precious and limited that our time here on earth is. The tragic death of Heath Ledger today showed how life can unravel so quickly even with the whole world watching.
I can never understand how Hollywood continues to produce such tragic stories - for a guy who seemingly had the whole world at his feet, a beautiful daughter, loving family, to die a lonely death like that is so saddening.

I cannot imagine what being depressed is like as I have not experienced it myself but definitely through my patients eyes and through friends that have had it I can say it would be like having your most down day over and over and over again.
Sometimes I feel down in the dumps mainly about my sexuality and coming to terms with that but usually that passes and I go on and live my life normally.

I am not a celebrity junky or awstruck around so called celebrities but my does heart goes out to Heath Ledger's family and friends. I will always remember him in the Aussie flick Two Hands which is one of my favorite movies. The tragedy around all this is his daughter is now without a father. His body of work will be a legacy for her and something she can be proud of.

All I can say is that if you are feeling depressed, not enjoying life then please speak to someone, there's plenty of help out there! Even drop me a line...

http://www.beyondblue.org.au

Merry Christmas

2007-12-20T23:16:00.000+11:00

Well I'm back from my holidays and had an absolute blast. It was a real struggle to actually get back to work. I think I was ready just to keep going but I guess I will have next year for that.
Nothing really to report on the guy front - a few potentials but nothing really getting me that excited.

Anyway thought i'd drop by and say hi and wish anyone who still reads this thing a merry christmas. I am debating whether to stop blogging but I'll leave that decision to the new year. In the end it has to be for myself so I will probably still intermittently blog for now. Catch you all soon.

The Unmade Bed

2007-10-30T15:33:00.000+11:00

Its been a busy few weeks for me which has involved a lot of massive nights. The weather is awesome at the moment and I think I have been playing up accordingly. I think I have consumed a small countries GDP in booze over the last month. Not good for the figure or the wallet. Parties, Caulfield cup, catching up with random friends have all led to me needing to go into detox. Last night was a perfect example - I went out to see an early gig nd my friend and I ended up having a boozy dinner until 2am.... Not complaining though as it was fun.

I have also been on a few dates recently - a couple with this guy. I don't think that he is my type and cant really see it lasting. Maybe friends but I doubt it. We're very different - but while I am having fun and enjoying his company, I'll go with it. I think I put out a booty call to him on Saturday... was pretty drunk... but ended up waking up in his bed on Sunday morning so must have worked. I just hope that he is not falling for me as he has made some comments along that line even though we've had the lets keep it casual for now discussion.

Also went on a date with this girl... I know, I know.. but meh sometimes its just easier. We just went out for drinks. It went quite well but once again I am not looking for any form of commitment at the moment. I am enjoying my singledom a bit too much. Plus I want to be single for my big trip next year - unless I find that awesome someone before then who also wants to come with me (chances... slim).

In other news I am about to go on my annual leave. Heading over to Asia again but this time to uncharted territory. I am actually going to China for most of the time and then onto Hong Kong for a short stint. I expect to be 10kg heavier when I get back... given my love for chinese food - noodles, dumplings, seafood.. I can't wait! I also cannot wait to see the Terracotta Warriors and the great wall as well as doing some nice mountain hikes and a bit of cycling. So probably won't post for a while until I get back. If you're in the area send me an email - be good to meet up for a drink :) So for now take care. Will fill you in on all crazy stories when I am back.

For my blog buddies - if you wanna stay in touch with my travels drop me a line and I can send you the link to my travel blog.

Waiting for my real life to begin

2007-10-19T00:51:00.000+10:00

When I look back at what I wanted out of life 10 years ago its funny how nothing has really turned out as I expected it too. I am going to be 30 next year - its the age where you're supposed to have all your shit together, sorted out your issues and found someone to settle down with. Five years ago i thought that I did - studying for a good career, girl, travel plans... and tentative talk of weddings and kids.

Well i have a career and I have travel plans but what the hell happened to the other stuff. This whole sexuality thing has really thrown a spanner in the works. For me though I just want to be happy - to be comfortable in my own skin and not to have this spanner dangling constantly around my neck would make life so simpler. Some days I feel like running and maybe that is what the travel plans are - would starting afresh somewhere else really help me?

Every time I feel like I am becoming more comfortable with my sexuality - something happens or I get freaked out and take 3 steps backwards. Why is it such a hard thing to sort through? My biggest hurdle is the fact that I am bi. How the hell do you come out to people as being bi? Some of you may say this is a cop out but I could easily fall in love with a guy or a girl. I can truly say that.

I am yet to find that one person though that makes me want to see them everyday for the rest of my life. I am not looking for perfection. I think that is way too idealistic. Its people's quirks, their faults, their imperfections that make them interesting. I want the ultimate ride.. the ups and downs, the loops and if you hold on tight enough then you know you'll be ok. Sometimes I look at my elderly patients some of whom have been together for 50 odd years and even though their looks and bodies are fading, the sweetest gestures such as holding hands or a peck on the lips seem to be the most meaningful.

This is more a reflective post and probably gives you an indication of my mood lately. I think by coming out you go through loss before you can see the positives and maybe I am still going through this. Maybe when the positives start coming through I can be more on my way to accepting myself. I just don't want to be having these same pensive thoughts when I'm nearly 40.

Everyone deserves music 3

2007-10-18T11:35:00.000+10:00

Found an awesome new artist to share with you all. He's a young Victorian guy... surprisingly he's a folky-acoustic singer. Does a bit of sampling as well in his music. Awesome Sunday arvo/chill out type music. His name is Whitley. The song below "I remember" is taken from his new album call the submarine. Fairly short album but there's some beautiful songs on it.

You can also find a cover of Bjork's Hyperballad that he did on this new tribute album to women in music by some all-male australian bands/artists called No man's woman. He is featured along with artists like Powderfinger, Paul Kelly, Lior and Josh Pyke. They have the whole album on myspace so if you wanna check it out you can. Not a bad listen.

Excuse me mr...

2007-10-09T22:40:00.000+10:00

I have a guilty admission to make....

I like friends with benefits.

The idea of sex without consequence that is just for mutual pleasure really appeals to me at this stage. I don't want a relationship, I wanna get a bit more experience with guys and I don't really wanna sleep around with a number of random guys. Plus I am always horny... I guess when you are not getting anything you sort of don't miss it. Now I want it all the time!
Now all i need to find is this friend.

On other random occurrences.....

I had been chatting with this guy for a while online. We met up a while ago just for drinks.. there was no real sexual spark at that time.. So I just put him into the friends category and we kept in contact, however we met up again the other night and had a number of glasses of wine. Alcohol somehow for me is not a depressant - its makes me excitable in reasonable quantities. We ended up being together - it was pretty bad. I have experienced this once or twice in guys before... that as soon as they cum.. they just wanna roll over and go to sleep.. forgetting me! Let just say I was not impressed and left soon after. I think I will put him back into the friends category and put it down as a drunken error of judgment (yes i am fickle!)

Break for me

2007-10-02T22:14:00.000+10:00

Since the last post a few things have happened. I have broken things off with the guy I was dating. He wasn't able to give me what I wanted and I was getting increasingly frustrated. In the end he could not accept the stage I was up to in my life and for him this meant holding back his feelings for me. He could not accept the fact that I could not fully define myself and was worried if he committed to me he would end up getting hurt because I would leave him for a girl. Understandably he was frustrated by the fact he couldn't fully be a part of my life at this stage but I was totally honest with him from the outset.

For me I was just happy to be with him. I enjoyed his company, eventually I would have integrated him into my life and when I was with him I couldn't see myself being with a girl or anyone else for that matter. Obviously this wasn't enough for him and the fact I was starting to have these feelings meant that I could no longer have this continue. So we ended it about a week ago now.

I have been fine since and actually feel a lot more emotionally stable since ending it as I hated the feelings of being unsure in the week or so leading up to it. I have no regrets and I wouldn't do anything different. I am actually really hoping we remain friends.

It has opened my eyes to the fact that I really should come out to people if I want to be able to get the most out of dating. I don't think I will date seriously for a bit unless someone extraordinary comes along. For now I need to sort out myself and this means resolving myself to actually come out. So now to develop a plan.... more to come on this later.

Everyone deserves music 2

2007-09-23T13:37:00.000+10:00

I got home this morning at 5am and I'm so hungover today I can barely move... I had a friends 30th last night. It was awesome! Jager bombs are my downfall I think!

In other music news I went to the powderfinger-silverchair concert at Rod Laver arena on Tuesday night. It was brilliant. I usually am not a fan of massive stadium shows but this was up there with the U2 show. Silverchair were really entertaining... even threw in some old stuff for us oldies! Powderfinger blew me away again - for like the 8th or 9th time now hahaha! We managed to get about 10 rows from the front so I could stare at Bernard all night. When he sang these days and on my mind the crowd just went off!

I have also discovered some new music for you all. The first is a band call Silversun Pickups from LA. They are a bit smashing pumpkinsesque. I really love their album! I don't know how I didnt pick up they were playing here in Melbourne last Sunday but by the time I did the tix had sold out. Here are a couple of videos from them.

I also managed to pick up the new Ben Lee album. Its good but it hasn't blown me away yet like the last one. The first single is pretty poptastic though. Enjoy.

In Limbo

2007-09-23T13:01:00.000+10:00

Things with the new guy were going great until last week. I have never understood relationships... I have had some long term ones but all the time you are trying to constantly work out what the other person is thinking and even more so at the start of relationship. Things with the new guy have sort of stalled. I am not sure why! I think he has realised that the chances of this being a long term thing are quite slim and he has put up a small wall to protect himself.

I mean what chance does a new relationship have when I will be away for all of November and he will be away all of December and half of January? Next year I am also taking a year out from work to do some travel.... Do I really wanna be in a relationship? Probably not, but the problem is I have fallen quite hard for him. He also mentioned he was scared that since I was not out I might one day go back to being with a girl and that he can't be fully part of my life at this stage.

Its only been a month since we first met and we are still technically in the dating stages but it continues like this I will have no choice but to end it or make it into a casual thing as its really making me frustrated. I don't deal well with hot and cold.... Why cant these things be simple like the movies or like in corny musicals?

Fall at your feet

2007-09-04T22:04:00.000+10:00

Thought it was about time I updated this thing. So in the last post I was talking about this guy who was driving me crazy... well the good news is he still is! Its funny how relationships creep up on you all of a sudden. One minute you are dating and the next things are kind of getting serious. I am actually fine with this - I thought I would be freaked. I have been seeing a lot of this guy over the last 3 weeks or so... Its still fairly casual but has the potential to go somewhere as we are both really into each other.

Dating in the closet is not the most pleasurable experience though! Lying to my housemates about where I am going, sneaking dating guy into and out of my house so my housemates dont find out and finding time to watch a dvd together curled up on the couch without raising a few eyebrows is almost impossible. The worst part though is not being able to share how excited I am about this guy with any of my friends.

There are also many issues that go with dating a guy that you just don't have to think about when you're with a girl such as Public displays of affection. Forget it! Albeit random sneaky kissing on quiet streets or darkened cinemas.

These things havent stopped me from having a good time but I am sure they will end up frustrating me and making me upset. I think I am going to tell one of my housemates who incidently is also one of my best friends. She will be cool with it, if not a little shocked! Now it just comes down to building up the balls to do it and finding that right moment. She is already suspicious that I am seeing someone...

My biggest issue with coming out is that you can't take it back! Being bi there is a chance I could end up with a girl! That would take a lot of explaining and I am sure women being women insecurities would then ensue. Nonetheless I can't handle this sneaking around for that much longer! I want to be able to share my happiness with my friends and I think by telling them a massive burden is then off my shoulders. I won't need to pretend anymore.

Hopefully my next post will be a coming out story (they seem all the rage at the moment - Go JR!).. but don't hold your breath!

Framing Butterflies

2007-08-20T22:10:00.000+10:00

Since my last melodramatic post there have been some interesting developments! I have sorta been dating this guy. It all started last Monday when we met up for some drinks at a cool little bar in Melbourne's Northern suburbs and has progressed from there. I think we have seen each other about 4 or 5 times now.. in a week!

Normally the speed with which things are travelling would absolutely freak me out! I am finding myself really liking this guy... He is driving me crazy and I have butterflies in my stomach every time I think of him and when i see him all I wanna do is jump him! This part of relationships have always been my favorite.... I wish sometimes you can put all these feelings in a little box and bring them out when things are a bit boring as tends to happen after you've been with someone for a while.

Not to sound slutty or anything but before all this started I had organised another "date" with a different guy for tomorrow night. Now I dont know if this other guy is fully my type but we get on really well when we chat and could become quite good friends. Am I being greedy if I still go ahead with meeting this guy?

I'll probably go ahead with it... why not! Anyway just a quickie today - hopefully I'll update more later in the week and let you know how things are going.

Thanks for everyone's emails/comments after the last depressing post! I have tried to respond and definitely would be keen to meet some of you guys if ur in Melbourne (even just visiting). I am not really a big commenter on other peoples blogs but do read them :)

Sink or Swim

2007-08-07T12:37:00.000+10:00

I feel like lately I have been in a bit of a no-mans land. I haven't really moved forward and I haven't really progressed very far with working through the issues I have with my sexuality. I have become stagnant. Its almost like I cant be bothered dealing with any form of emotional issues.

I can only really put this down to a couple of things
- my work is quite taxing and a lot of the time all I can be bothered doing after finishing a week of work is sleep and relax (even catching up with family and friends becomes cumbersome (always wanted to use that word!))
-the other thing is that not being out and not having any close gay friends in Melbourne makes it extremely difficult to get some form of network going where I have a chance of meeting new guys.

That leaves the online scene which is difficult because most people are just on there for one thing. I dunno if I am being ultra-conservative but for me I wanna be able to explore my sexuality not with a whole bunch of guys but just 1 or 2.... I think my lack of experience also makes me wary to go out and hook up as I think I may be taken advantage of.

Anyway back to the point of the post. I think I need to move forward ---> Its time to go to plan B. Whatever that is! So basically comes down to the fact I need to put myself out there and stop hiding behind these excuses....

So some goals I want to achieve by the end of the year are

to go on at least 3 or 4 dates
make some new gay friends
come out to at least 2 of my friends

Now this may sound easy to some... but for me (bare in mind i am a procrastinator) this may be difficult and the thought of goal number 3 scares me shitless. So how am I to achieve the first 2? I was thinking of joining some gay men's social groups or sporting clubs.... but even that takes some courage to attend by myself. Does anyone know of any?

If you made it this far thanks for reading.. probably not really an interesting post but I think its been good for me to put this stuff down!

Everyone deserves music

2007-07-31T21:43:00.001+10:00

I thought it was time to bring you another revamped addition of mid-week music with new title, digital video and flashy pictures... plus a free steak knife!

The other night I discovered a new Aussie gem whilst cruising myspace. His name is Tom Cooney, a young Brisbanite (birthplace of Powderfinger) who has produced a stunningly beautiful song lifted from his first EP called Hold Me Down. He is a bit of Damian Rice, bit of Jeff Buckley with a smidge of country. Can't wait till he comes down to Melbourne so I can check him out live and in the flesh (he is cute as well)!

As promised some hot picks of Mr Cooney

Dial 1300 555 999 for your steak knife.

Catch My Disease

2007-07-31T02:49:00.000+10:00

Tonight I sat down and watched SICKO - the new Mike Moore documentary. I am not a massive fan of his work and always find it to be quite one-sided and a little self-indulgent. But even if half of the stuff that was in this documentary is true I am utterly appalled.

The documentary looks at the American health-care system - I knew before this that most of American hospitals are run by insurance companies but what I did not know is that if you did not have insurance you were basically screwed when it came to accessing health care. Surely in a country as wealthy as America the basic right to health-care should be provided and provided at no cost if people are unable to afford it. If a country can spend billions to go to war to settle old vendetta's then surely it can look after its own citizens?

In Australia we are very lucky - our health care model is based on the British model and most major city hospitals are Public hospitals and anyone can access them - at no cost to the person. We do have a private health system but the companies do not dictate how you are treated and what tests you are alllowed to have - this is all driven by the treating doctor.

One horror story that really stood out for me in the film was that of a very unwell little 2yo girl with a fever whose mother had insurance. Unfortunately the mum took her to a hospital which wasn't in affiliation with her insurance. She was refused any treatment and sent on to the insurance companies hospital despite the pleas of the mother. The girl ended up at the new hospital with what I can only presume to be septic shock, she arrested and died! This is an absolutely ridiculous system which goes against any logical thought - I could never turn a patient away just because they didn't have insurance. It makes me sick to the stomach.

Unless things change the chance of me ever wanting to work in America are slim and if you're American I suggest you move to Canada or even Cuba before you get old , have a heart attack or get cancer - you'll live longer and not spend your life savings doing so!

Ride Like the Wind

2007-07-26T17:07:00.000+10:00

Its semi-fortuitous that I am doing night shift at the moment. July tends to be the month where I usually am chronically sleep deprived due to the many late nights watching "le tour de France".

Unfortunately the last few years have been riddled by doping controversies which does detract from the race somewhat but I still find the endurance of these athletes amazing. To ride for 21 days and over 3000km which includes trips over the alps and the pyrennes is a great effort and for those who do it without drugs... its almost superman. I struggle to ride 50km in a day.... Plus i love the tactics that go into each stage, the chase of the pelaton and the awesome scenery.

This year finally baring any tragedy will see an Aussie on the podium in Cadel Evans. A Territory boy from Katherine who has been threatening for a few years prior to this, hopefully will get his glory this year. So the next few nights will keep me watching with great interest.

As in any sports - how can you not go pass the hot bods on display and the tour is no different. I love the rider physique. Skinny upper body and strong legs.... One rider who caught my attention this year is young German rider Linus Geremann who actually won stage 7 and will be a rider to look out for in the future. He is very cute!

Night Fever

2007-07-24T15:19:00.000+10:00

One of the joys of being a junior doctor is the fantastic shift work we get to do. I am currently doing a 6 week stint of night shift. We do try to jazz up the shifts with fancy names such as disco shift (a shift which finishes about the same time as decent night out 1-2AM) but the reality is that they are not that exciting.

Nights are usually spent dealing with sick patients, admitting patients and sorting through various crap ass pages ranging from exciting clerical duties to reviewing someone's leg swelling that has been noted by their day treating team for the last month but somehow at 5am I can fix it.

As much as I complain I do actually enjoy the work sometimes... Even at 430am its amazing how alert u become if the shit is hitting the fan. Its not all bad for the first few weeks I have 7 days on and 7 days off... so I got to head up north for some Sunshine and camping last week- I even have a slight tan.

I do however miss daylight, I miss my friends and family... and the remnant of my social life/sex life.

Sorry about the whiney post... nice to get that off my chest though :)

Down Under

2007-07-08T14:14:00.000+10:00

After the excitement of the world cup, I am about to be hit once again by Socceroo fever as they begin their Asian cup quest tonight against Oman. We have a fairly easy first group with oponents in Iraq, Thailand and Oman, the latter being our biggest challenge. However given the Thais are playing at home its a bit of a danger game. As well as being good footballers the Aussies aren't bad looking either. Lucas Neill is so hot.

Bring it on! We can finally show that we deserve this spot in Asia.

Careful where you stand

2007-07-08T13:55:00.000+10:00

So I have a bit of a dilemma... nothing unusual I here you say! I may have blogged about this before but now I am more actively pursuing guys, its become a bit of an issue. At the moment I am a bit torn between wanting to date and wanting some gay/bi friends. My biggest issue is how to draw the line between the two.

For me to meet up with someone there at least has to be some sort of attraction or common interest... So how am I to make friends if all I wanna do is jump them?

Its quite similar to being friends with girls, there is always some level of attraction there. I guess its just how far you want to take that.

The other thing is that I have found my best relationships have actually come from friendships... so would it be better to hang out and see how things develop before making a move.

I guess I will take each new experience as it comes and see what develops... but its still a bit of a dilemma! Maybe its better to get the sex out of the way and then concentrate on being friends ;)

What a difference a day makes

2007-06-30T17:22:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I felt if I was going to die - I had a headache, sore throat (so sore I couldnt swallow) and could not move from my bed. I decided to start myself on antibiotics for tonsillitis given I had been in denial that I was unwell for about 4 days. I also bought out the heavy duty pain killers!

Today I have managed to get out of bed, the chills and fevers have subsided and have minimal throat pain (actually have managed some solids).

Its awesome! I am also thankful of not getting the runny nose and 1 month chronic cough that usually comes with this. They sell it as a package.

May have a date or 2 next week if I am up to it - so will keep you all informed :)

P.S. With this post I have beaten my previous monthly total posting record! See I am not a slack ass!

P.P.S. I was not completely unproductive with my Friday off - I did manage to get 2 gen admission tix to the POWDERFINGER-SILVERCHAIR concert in September at Rod Laver! Bring it on!

Into temptation

2007-06-24T22:30:00.000+10:00

Won't bore u all with the details
- Boy comes home drunk after a Saturday night out
- Boy goes on internet dating site
- Boy starts chatting to guy
- Boy gets propositioned
- Boy is nervous but also curious
- Boy spends $20 in a cab
- Boy finds a really nice guy
- Boy doesn't kiss and tell
- Boy come home 8 hours later = exhausted but satisfied :)

You are all probably saying about time - Hopefully it stops him from whining ;)

Thats all for now.

Read My Mind

2007-06-12T21:51:00.000+10:00

So I mentioned my difficulty the other day in finding a nice guy to date... Being the year 2007 internet dating is so common place that its almost normal, however it still has the nerd factor associated with it.

So the question then comes to where I can meet my rock god, guitar playing, food loving, world travelling hot boy? My gaydar is a finely tuned piece of machinery... it is able to pinpoint hot guys that are attracted to me to the nearest metre... I WISH! Mostly you assume that people you meet are straight. But what signs should I be looking for to tell me otherwise?

Flick of the hair?
Secret handshake?

Probably I would become aware when we are actually making out! That is how clueless I think I am.

So come on people - bring on your hot-tips!

Also if you are a rock god, guitar playing, food loving, world travelling hot boy then contact me ;)

Superstraight

2007-06-07T16:26:00.000+10:00

I think I need to get this blog back on track a bit... like my life lately its sorta been all over the place....

One of the biggest hurdles I have found in accepting my sexuality is trying to work out where I fit into the gay/straight world. Having grown up at the time when the Sydney G&L mardi gras was huge and during the Priscilla era I used to think that most gay people where freakishly flamboyant and dressed in drag! I know this is not the case now but for a 14-15yo boy this can be quite confronting. Plus I am scared of drag queens.... even to this day ;)

I know now that the majority of the gay community is not like this ultimate stereotype but then I dont like clubs, dance music or kylie (they all give me headaches). I love rock/alternate/folk stuff, all of my friends are straight, i love seeing live music, love soccer, drugs are not my thing and in terms of free-love well whilst I am not adverse to that sorta thing I am not a big one night stand kinda guy. However I do moisturise ;) I guess I would fall into the "Straight acting" category... But then what defines people as gay... its none of the above. The real only criteria is that you must like guys.

So given all this where is one to meet a nice rock loving boy? I have tried internet dating sites - gaydar, gaymatchmaker... but frankly I am bored of all the requests for sex, the same boring conversations on MSN, requests to see a pic of my cock or worse people sending me pictures of theirs. I need to explore other avenues... but what?

Any suggestions?Publish Post

Dream Days at the Hotel Existence

2007-06-03T20:01:00.000+10:00

Its finally here - 3 long finger free years! I am probably not the most impartial of listeners but the new Powderfinger album rocks! Dream Days at the Hotel Existence contains some signature jump up and down kinda tracks inter-mixed with some slower old school finger ballads. I can't believe I missed out on buying tickets to their gig at the forum... If anyone has a spare one I will be more than happy to take it off your hands ;)

The rumour is they may be touring with silverchair later in the year which should be awesome.

So my last few posts have been quite political... that is because to be honest nothing exciting has really been happening. Currently I am working 50-60 hour weeks which is killing me. Working with kids makes it even more draining. I have joined the gym to try improve my fitness and give me more energy but in these early stages it tends to have the opposite effect.

So my plan in the next few weeks is to try to be more social and put myself out there in the dating department. I need to experiment a bit so I can work out if this guy thing is really for me.... So in the meantime, if anyone still reads this thing, stay tuned!

Sorry

2007-05-27T14:56:00.000+10:00

This week in Australia is the 11th National Reconciliation week. It is a time for Australia to recognise its Indigenous heritage and also to raise awareness of Aboriginal issues.

This year it coincides the anniversary of the 1967 Referendum in which more than 90 per cent of Australians voted to remove clauses from the Australian Constitution which discriminated against Indigenous Australians. The referendum also gave the Commonwealth Government the power to make laws on behalf of Aboriginal people.

June 3 also marks the anniversary of the High Court of Australia's judgment in 1992 in the Mabo case. The decision recognised the Native Title rights of the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, the original inhabitants of the continent, and overturned the myth of terra nullius - that the continent was empty, unowned land before the arrival of Europeans in 1788.

These are big turning points in the history of Australia. However the plight of the indigenous people of Australia today is still poor compared to non-indigenous Australia. Life expectancy is 20-30 years less, infant mortality remains high, alcohol and other drugs tear through some communities; diabetes, kidney failure and heart disease cause massive morbidity in these communities.

Australia is one of the few countries which does not have a treaty with its indigenous population. Our government has also refused to apologise for the stolen generation. So much money has been thrown at the above issues but little has changed in 20 years - however a lot of it has been mismanaged and squandered.

The problems in indigenous Australia are not going to be easily fixed. It will take a lot of self-determination, a change in both the indigenous and non-indigenous psyche and better managed government services.

I for one am ashamed of our treatment of indigenous people. I am sorry for the stolen generation, for the way we have swept these problems under the carpet, for the fact my ancestors have treated indigenous people like second class citizens. Aborignal culture should be celebrated - we all have a lot to learn and a long way to go but in the end all Australians should be equal and everyone deserves a fair go.

Saturday in Singapore

2007-05-15T23:23:00.000+10:00

This post is a bit out of the ordinary but I have recently heard a song that really has got me thinking. Its by a guy called Carus who is an Aussie independent singer who wrote the song after reflecting on the execution by firing squad of a young Australian in Singapore. His name was Van Nguyen and his crime was trafficking heroin from Cambodia to Australia which he claimed was to help pay some of his brothers debts.

Initially my thoughts on this matter were basically if you are stupid enough to do that then you have to face the consequences.... However this is quite a simple way of thinking and luckily in things in life are never this black and white. When does someone's crime actually deserve being shot by a firing squad or hung or injected with a lethal dose of medication? What chance have we given this guy in his 20's to reform his life?

Life is precious - to take a life so coldly no matter what their crime is a horrendous act. I can't think of any circumstances where it is appropriate. A life in solitary would be far worse than a quick death for those who commit heinous crimes. Finally, whatever happened to second chances?

Satisfied Mind

2007-05-13T13:17:00.000+10:00

Its been a while... thought I would re-connect with my online self ;)

I have been thinking a lot recently about what I want from life... I think its part of the post breakup period. I can see how people fall into deep depressions after these sort of life-events. As far as breakups go.. this one hasn't been too bad. I do however miss the simple moments - the sunday sleep ins and breakfasts, the can't be fucked cooking lets go for dinner, the fact that the other person is always there for you and regular intimacy.

I am a hopeless single - although I am happy in my own company, too much free time = way too much thinking time and whilst a bit of introspection is good for you, it can be a little confronting. Currently I am trying to work through the whole gay/bi/straight thing.. it is doing my head in. To be honest I thought that if I was single it would be easier to sort this crap out. Normally I am someone who is quite rational when it comes to sorting out problems... but not in this case. Its actually making me feel a bit down.

I find my inaction quite frustrating. I think I just need to put myself out there and see what happens. Anyone want a date???

In terms of the big picture - I want someone to share my life with, to share new experiences with and eventually (crazy i know) bring up a child with. This would make me satisfied and content. Its probably a long way off.. but u have to have a goal.

Anyway thats my current lament out of the way. I'll leave u with another of my favorite songs - Satisfied Mind - being performed live by Jeff Buckley (I think its orginally a Johny Cash Song)... its an absolutely beautiful song which I think reflects my current state of thinking... Enjoy.

OH and I am serious about the date thing!

Lost and Running

2007-04-26T01:10:00.000+10:00

I think I am suffering from blogger's block! I have little motivation at the moment to post up on here as really the social life has been a little stagnant this week after last weeks shenanigans.

Tonight I caught up with the ex-gf for dinner - it went really well (the dinner part anyway). Plenty of laughs and good conversation . After we finished I drove her home and pulled up out the front of her place and it got a bit weird. The thing is its hard to go from all to nothing. I think I wanted her to invite me in. She didn't! I wanted to be close to her again but the stubborn part of me just couldn't let her know. So she got out of the car and I now I am just feeling upset. I am not sure what I wanted from her. I do miss her though... but if we got back together it probably wouldn't work.

No real progress on the men side....

I think i need some action!

Anyway heading up to Sydney on Friday for 4 days for a little bit of R&R and to catch up with some friends. Can't wait. Be a nice break from slog that is work.

And finally some mid-week music to top this post off - its been a bit of a dog's breakfast but.... oh well.

Powderfinger are back after taking a year off to focus on solo careers and families. And back they are with rockin' new track called lost and running. Its catchy and mellow. Takes a few listens to really get into it, but give it a go. Powderfinger are my favorite Aussie band... I have watched them grow from a small pub band to absolute super-stars. They are still so grounded and not arrogant at all, which I love. My favorite song of all time is a finger song called "These days" . I also think Bernard Fanning the lead singer is HOT! Enjoy the new single Lost and Running and also my favorite single these days. I have also chucked a couple of other finger songs on as well - the metre and my happiness - so many killer tracks ;)

LOST AND RUNNING

THESE DAYS

MY HAPPINESS (The coolest clip - check out the slinky)

THE METRE

kids with guns

2007-04-18T01:26:00.000+10:00

Humanity lost out again today at Virginia Tech. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel we can be as human beings and how violent and destructive the human psyche can get when it is left unchecked. My heart goes out to all the families and friends out there who have lost loved ones today. The sheer violence with which they were murdered makes me sick to the stomach.

Where does blame lie in situations like this - is it society? is it upbringing?

It is probably a mixture of all and also the fact that the access to firearms in America is second to none and the strange love affair with the gun makes it all the more tempting to go out in a "blaze of glory". Australia is no stranger to this sort of violence - the massacre at Port Arthur was a huge moment and changed the way guns were dealt with in Australia. Compulsory registration, removing semi-automatic weapons from society and a gun amnesty where people were forced to hand their guns in all have helped to keep ownership of guns to a minimum.

There is no way of stopping the occasional hell-bent madman but we can limit their access to firearms making it more difficult for them to carry out these atrocities.

Detox

2007-04-14T11:48:00.000+10:00

Its been a full on week for me this week. I think I need to go into detox. I have had one alcohol free night this week - but man its been fun. I have had a blast hanging out with good friends and also catching up with some old ones who I haven't seen for ages. Its funny but when you are in a relationship I don't think that you appreciate your friends enough.

I think I went out on ?date last night. Although I must admit that wasn't what I had planned. I have been planning on catching up with some friends who I was overseas with a couple of years ago for a while now and it just happened that only 2 of us were free. There is really no way around it but this girl is beautiful. So there we were drinking wine in a corner at the Panama dining room

Whenever we hang out we always get to the point where it could go either way - the conversation was easy and flowing, there was definitely flirting and contact but I always get too nervous and can never seal the deal so to speak. I think it was for the best as it would make our friendship awkward. So we just went our separate ways and will probably catch up again soon.

I also managed to check out a new Melbourne band this week. They are called The BASICS. They are an-old school 3 piece band who I think should be out of the 60-70's. They're music is upbeat and fun and their sound is like a cross between the Beatles and the police. Here is their first single off their forthcoming album.

I also managed to check out Stephen K Amos a British comedian @ the Melbourne International Comedy festival which is on this month. He also happens to be gay. This is the second time I have seen him and the second time I have been in fits of hysterics!

When Harry met Sally

2007-04-11T02:42:00.000+10:00

All my life I have been seen as the "nice guy". The guy who girls realise that after a couple of shit relationships - that they could settle down with.

Sunday night was such an occasion. I am currently away from home and working closely with someone I would count as a good friend. For privacy reasons I know that I haven't exactly gone into what I do for a job but lets just say it is quite intense and stressful at times. Recently this "friend" and I have been doing a lot of debriefing over quite a few bottles of red. Sunday night we finally had a chance to let our hair down and go and see a band - it was awesome. We were so drunk and the night was going well. I think that in the end she ended up throwing herself at me and being fairly wasted myself, I did not refuse. In the midst of all this she was talking about "us" as in future and how she could see herself with someone like me.

Its an interesting phenomenon - the power of lust vs the power of common sense. All night I had known this was on the cards. Initially common sense prevailed - I am not attracted to this girl sexually (well not in the long term) but intellectually and as a friend I find her quite amazing. However somehow we ended up getting together.

I think as friends we fit together very well. From the day we met there has been an instant connection - a sort of understanding. Can girls and guys be friends? Is this a wasted endeavour.? We have chatted since and put it down to a drunken night but somehow I feel she wants more and blames herself for my breakup. I wanted so much to tell her the whole truth but couldn't. I did however tell her I needed "me" time and to be the nice guy have left the door of false hope open for her by saying who knows what I will want in the future.

So the confusing times for me continue - I am sort of in a period of numbness where I feel like I am single but I am not. I still felt wrong picking up on Sunday but in the end it was fun all but a bit weird. I am coping with the breakup quite well but the true test will be from tomorrow when I am back in Melbourne for a week and not 300km away.

Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not gonna be friends, then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

Sadness & Whiskey

2007-04-02T21:21:00.000+10:00

Its been on the cards for a few weeks now. Yesterday my girlfriend and I broke up. As breakups go it wasn't too bad. We had been coasting along enjoying each others company but we weren't 100% happy. We both agreed and sadly ended our relationship.

There is no easy way to break-up with someone... no right moment... no words that can make it easier. It just plain sucks. It would be easier to be annoyed or to be pissed off at her. But unfortunately I am only feeling sadness and a bit of emptiness at the moment.

For me the biggest issue was that I need to be challenged. I like excitement (not drama) in a relationship. I was not getting any of that. Apathy would be the word that described us together. That is never good for any relationship. I feel like I should be moving closer to finding someone to settle down with but everytime I think I have found someone..... well you get the picture.

So how will I cope... alcohol and depressing songs!

Counting your friends

2007-03-15T11:46:00.000+11:00

Simplicity in life is a beautiful thing. When we were kids you could be anyone's friend. They only had to have a cool new toy or be your height or age and you were instantly best friends. When I travel I find that its much easier to meet new people, hang out, hear their stories and even spend some time with them seeing the sights. There is no expectation other than the fact that you will eventually part ways and may not ever see each other again - but you've generally had a blast. As we get older it is a lot harder to make new friends. I tend to find I have a lot of acquaintances but only a handful of really close friends.

So I have been thinking about why it is that its harder as adults to make new "best" friends. Is it because we are more cautious or are we lazy? Its weird because in the last 4 weeks I think I have made a number of new acquaintances (mainly through work) who I think I could be really good friends with - actually ring them up and do stuff, like go see a band or out for dinner or invite them over for some drinks. But how far do I go in persuing this without looking like a needy loser?

Its definitely not like dating - you can never really have "the chat". I guess you just fall into being friends... The other thing is that with my sexuality am I actually developing a crush on these guys and have an ulterior motive rather than to actually becoming friends with them?

I still enjoy hanging out with most of my friends but with a lot of them I think we have moved on from the time where we were really close and they are now falling into the acquaintance category as we head into different stages of our lives. There's nothing wrong with wanting to expand our social networks - it all makes for good times. So I will keep you informed of how I go....

Mid-week Music 2

2007-03-08T01:49:00.000+11:00

This week I'll feature a couple more aussie artists that are currently floating my boat.

Silverchair, featuring Daniel Johns and co are back together with a new album on the way out and a killer new single called Straight Lines. It back to their old rockin goodness but also retains some of the creative instrumentals and vocals that were on their Diorama album which I still think is their best so far. So enjoy the clip from their first single - Straight Lines

Next is Australia's dorkiest acoustic artist - Darren Hanlon. He has been entertaining us for a few years now with witty tunes and catchy folky/acoustic mixes. Live he has awesome banter with the audience and songs that just leave you smiling. This is a live version of his song Punk's Not Dead which he wrote about one of his housemates.

Watching

2007-03-05T11:17:00.000+11:00

I have a new obsession - HEROES!

Its awesome. I watch very little TV - i prefer to get the DVD of a TV series or download the episodes. This series is mind-blowing and absolutely enthralling. I have watched up to episode 14 and I still cant work out where the story is going to take me. I love the separate story-lines and how the characters are all inter-related despite their seemingly separate lives.

Its got me thinking - if I was hero what sort of power I would like to have. I think flying is pretty cool... but time travel would be another one up on my list. Growing up and even now Batman is my superhero of choice! He was just a normal guy but he had awesome gadgets.

Intriguingly or sadly (way too much time on my hands) I completed a survey and the results were very pleasing!!

You Are Batman

Billionaire playboy by day. Saving the world by night.
And you're not even a true superhero. Just someone with a lot of expensive toys!

What Superhero Are You?

I think from the previous few posts - you could get to thinking that I was clinically depressed!
I can assure you that this is not the case. I occasionally have little life crises like everyone... this blog is a great place for me to vent and sort out my thoughts - its cheaper than a shrink ;)

Decisions

2007-02-28T23:50:00.000+11:00

Its a simple fact of life that we have choices to make everyday. Whether or not to stay in bed, what to wear, what to eat, who to speak to... If only life was a movie where you could see the effects of these choices play themselves out before deciding on the correct one.

Not every decision is significant but does have a ripple effect onto how our days pan out. For example if I chose to get up this morning (day off work) I would have probably gone for a run, maybe even done a bit of shopping.. but instead my lazy ass stayed in bed. Did this decision effect my life in the long term - probably not (apart from that massive heart attack I will die from if I dont exercise).

In work I can make decisions, in fact my decisions can change people's lives. They have consequences. But these decisions are based on fact and there is always support from senior staff should I need it. In my personal life, well I think my decision making skills are atrocious. My biggest fault is that I lack self-confidence and have quite low self-esteem. One of my greatest fears is that I will end up alone - no partner, no kids.

Last year I made the decision to end things with a long-term girlfriend. This had probably been on the cards for 1-2 months but I was unable to end it. I didn't want to hurt her, to hurt myself and what if she was the one... it wasn't something I took lightly. This decision had major consequences for my life, I had to move out, I was single again and my friendship group has never been the same since. I think that the main reason we don't get along so well currently is because I let the relationship slowly die out.

So will I make the same mistakes again or can I learn from these. I have come to the realisation recently that I am not happy.... Whilst I am still enjoying work, I need a new, fresh start. My current relationship is stagnant - it lacks excitement, the sex is like a M rated porno and well you know about the rest and my friendship group has fallen apart and my other friends are either married or have moved overseas or interstate.

and....

I am scared of being alone

So there you have it. All my current feelings out on the table.

Is my relationship worth saving?
Can i rescue it?
Or is it going to end up on the cutting room floor along with the other forgotten reels in the continuing saga of my life.

Crush

2007-02-21T03:31:00.000+11:00

I may have mentioned it before but I think I am way more attracted to guys physically. They are more likely to cause me to turn my head when I am walking down the street to have a second look. My tastes are pretty mainstream - nice bod, nice eyes and most importantly an awesome smile. I guess from the pics I have put up you can get a clearer picture of what I like.

I think that I have developed a small crush on this guy at work. I think he is gay but the conversation has never come around to it. He is cute in a sorta geeky kind of way but he has the most amazing smile. I think we have flirted but who knows my gaydar is usually way off or I am totally clueless!

So whats a guy to do... we've been drunk together but only with others around and if anything were to happen I think that I would be really guilty. The other thing with the field I work there is always 1-2 degrees of separation.. ie. everyone knows someone who knows you....but there are worse things in the world I guess.

So whilst I dream of ways of getting him alone. Here are some more pretty pictures which really emphasise my favorite part of the male body.. abs and lower back... I love the V- shaped stomach and the little dimples that are on peoples backs. I also love just the casual glimpses that some guys give of this every now and then. Its a real turn on. So enjoy!

Mid-week Music

2007-02-14T16:04:00.000+11:00

Recently I have been really getting into my music. Been doing lots of long car trips/plane trips etc.. so my i-pod has been getting a pounding. I was bummed to miss all of the festivals that were happening over the summer holidays... oh well, guess there is always next year. Luckily I haven't missed them all and am going to A Day on the Green this weekend down near Geelong. It should be awesome - Pete Murray, Sarah Blasko, Tim Finn (of Crowded house fame), Tim Rodgers and Tex Perkins. Plus there will be a whole lot of decent wine going round as its at a winery.

Over the coming weeks I thought that I would highlight some of my favorite artists. My taste in music is pretty varied but I guess my favorite sort of music is acoustic rock/folk - sorta just a guy and his guitar. It is mostly aussie stuff as I love to go and see live music down the pub so I am big on the independents.

So here is a couple of aussies to kick us off.

Lior is probably one of my favorite artists of the last few years. His rocky/blues/acoustic folk mix is awesome and to see him live is astounding. The guys vocal range knows no limits. Check out his album Autumn Flow for more love. Here's some You-Tube clips of him live. He's also pretty cute ;)

AUTUMN FLOW

THIS OLD LOVE

The other artist I wanna post about is Josh Pyke. A solo artist who's music is pretty fresh and original. Love his harmonies and instrumental work. I gotta say that this is one album I am hanging out for. He has released a couple of EP's and is a constant on the Aussie live music scene. His debut album Memories and Dust is due on March 10. Check out the first single lifted from it below.

LINES ON PALMS

I'm Back

2007-02-11T01:19:00.000+11:00

Snow-capped Mountains, camels, deserts, oceans, seas....
Back at work... its been a bitch this week. Will post soon. Stay tuned.
Thanks for all the kind words whilst I was away :)

Leaving on Jet Plane

2007-01-15T23:04:00.000+11:00

One more sleep and counting.....
I am heading overseas for a 3 week holiday!!! Even though I'd love to tell you all where I am going I cannot for anonymity, sorry :(

Going overseas from Australia is a big deal.... 18hour + flights if you are heading anywhere but New Zealand or south east asia. I hope I don't have to sit next to anyone who smells, is fat or has the bladder control of an 80 year old.

I am sure I wont be able to sleep tonight from the excitement. Traveling is one of my greatest loves, I am always planning new adventures. I love experiencing new cultures, new food, new scenery..... I think that each time you go somewhere different and meet people and experience life in that place it helps to shape and grow you as a person. In this day and age where governments preach fear I think that it is even more important that people in our age group learn and experience new cultures.

Anyway, its been a busy week since the last post, no exciting news just busy with normal life shit. Hence my slackness in posting. My last few posts have been pretty full on but I think I have made some progress towards accepting my real self. So I think a little reflection time is needed, so I will resume normal posting in 3-4 weeks. Take care out there. Will catch ya soon!

The Closet Part 2

2007-01-05T23:45:00.000+11:00

"If you could wake up tomorrow and be 100% straight would you want that?"

The question above was posted on my comments by Tim. In terms of life simplicity yes, yes I would! However the reality is that it won't happen - I think that I have reached a point in my life where I think I can and need to face this reality, to face my demon i guess. I am not sure how quickly or when this will happen but I think that it is time!

In the past I have opened the closet door slightly, even took a few steps out of it around the middle of last year. After ending the long-term relationship with the ex I was ready! My first foray into the world of men happened through the online world. The first time I was with a guy was amazing. It felt right. After a couple of flings I actually met a guy that I thought I could really like. I even went on a few dates with him. He was in a similar position to me. The first few times we met were really akward but things went well after that. We hung out, were into the same sort of music and we both could finally talk openly about our sexuality. Oh and the sex was not all bad either. Unfortunately he was so deep inside his own closet that he freaked and withdrew.

This sorta knocked me about a bit and after a couple other disappointing encounters I started to become a little jaded with the whole men thing. That is when i met my current girlfriend. At the start it was just supposed to be a fling but everyting was a blur. The butterflies, the adrenaline, the hot sex were all there... The honeymoon period I guess. Now its just an average relationship.

The closet door is once again firmly shut. I occasionally go onto the gay dating sites and chat with guys I get up to the point where they sorta invite me to go out or hook up then i shut it down.... It would be so easy to cheat. I don't want to though. Its not fair on her and I dont think my conscience would cope. So for now its locked tight. With this blog being the only way to vent my frustrations.

But I think that soon the door will open.... when you ask? Soon.....

The Closet Part 1

2007-01-03T22:57:00.000+11:00

The more I read other people's posts the more I think about this thing that we like to call "the closet". For most of us who are still in there its a dark and scary place full of personal demons which hopefully one day we will be brave enough to face. For me I guess I have been in denial since I was young (probably 15 or 16) that I like guys. I mean I looked at guys and got off over guys but the thought that I was probably bi/gay was deeply repressed. After leaving high school i went to uni and did all the things that were expected of me. Have had a couple of long term g/f's but could never really get excited or committ to them. Hell I even moved in with one of them - DISASTER!

So whats in my closet, what is my demon?

Fear

fear of disappointing/hurting those I love
fear of rejection
fear of thinking that I have wasted the last 10 years in relationships that were inevitably going to fail
fear of being found out
fear of ending up alone

Socially, all my adult life has been one big lie. To my ex/current GF's to my friends and to my family but mostly to MYSELF!

Why can't I be honest? Has this lie gone to far to go back?

Will it blend?

2006-12-31T03:23:00.000+11:00

Watch Tom Dickson in one of the funniest things I have seen in ages. I have wanted to do this to my ipod at times....

Happy New Year Everyone.

The world has gone mad

2006-12-26T18:10:00.000+11:00

Well I have just celebrated one of the most boring christmas' ever! I am currently doing a couple of weeks of evenings and nights (hence lack of posting) at work so I spent christmas day in bed asleep..... it was so depressing! But it really was a day that you just want to curl up under the covers and sleep - we reached a max 12 degrees (celcius) here in Victoria. It hailed and rained and even snowed up in the ski-fields.... all in the freakin middle of summer. Has the world turned on itself.... one week its 40 degrees and we are having the worst bushfires we've seen in years and the next its SNOWING??? What the...

On a happier note just want to wish everyone out there in blog-land a merry christmas and probably a happy new year given my slack ass posting over the last few weeks. A big shout out to everyone who has left me comments or sent me an email. I will try to get back to them when I have a little more time.

So in the mean time enjoy the break and stay tuned for regular posting.
P.S. Just wanted to pass my respects on for the God-father of soul. A very sad loss to the worlds music family.

The Spectrum

2006-12-15T15:22:00.000+11:00

I know that a lot of people think that being bi is actually a cop out - it has been said that we cant make a decision on our sexuality or that we are really gay but just in denial. But for me I really do believe it exists. I believe we all sit on a spectrum of sexuality and everyone fits somewhere on that line. Some may identify themselves as completely straight or completely gay. For myself it is most likely somewhere in the middle. Like I've mentioned before sexually I get more turned on by a guy - from what experience I have had (more on that in the future). But I also really enjoy sex with girls. Emotionally I think I connect better with females even with my friendships.

I dont know what my point is or even if I have one but this is just my random thought for the day. Happy weekends to all :)

Surf's Up - summer's here!

2006-12-13T14:43:00.000+11:00

Been about a week since my first post. Thanks to those who have dropped by and those that have sent me comments. Nice to know someone will read what I have to say. So the weekend just gone was one of those really relaxing, no stress type of weekends.
The GF and I left smokey Melbourne (bushfires are out of control at the moment in Victoria) for greener (not so much as we're in a drought) pastures and headed off down the coast. Being 40 degrees on Saturday - the beach was the place to be seen and we headed to some of the south-west coast beaches of Victoria.

Great day - good waves, perv factor ++, and it was about 10 degrees cooler at the beach side. Only downside was that water temp in Victoria is about 21degrees and this only varies throughout the year by 1 degree - to borrow a classic Australian saying - "its nice once you're in".

The next few days were spent seeing some of the sights around that area such as the rugged coastline around Portland which includes lighthouses and national parks. Was a great weekend and one that reminds me that I actually like being in a relationship. However with all that eye candy down the beach my conflict is never far from the surface.

My dilemma is this - I like her (but don't know if i love her), I could never cheat on her but at the moment all I can think about is being with a guy..... The simplest thing to do would be to break up which is definitely a possibility but I am not 100% on that idea plus we have an overseas holiday in January booked.. For the moment I guess I am stuck. I guess I really need to think things through some more - any suggestions/advice would be appreciated.

Welcome

2006-12-06T00:00:00.000+11:00

Where to start... seems everyone is blogging this day... So this is my contribution to the digital revolution. I am a 28yo guy living in Melbourne, Australia. I have started this blog to try and get my thoughts in order and to get some sort of opinion/advice about where i should go with my life. So my story -

I am bi which is something I have known for a very longtime. I am not out. No-one really knows who I am deep down. I only acted on these feelings towards the end of last year - sad I know but prior to that I had been in a long-term relationship. However, (dont ask me how it happened and I definitely wasnt looking for it) I have ended up in another relationship with a girl. Confused..... me too!

So now I feel like my life is at the crossroads...

I am happy and comfortable in my current relationship. I enjoy being with her and spending time with her. One day I would like a family and kids whether it be with her or someone else. This is really important to me.
On the other hand i dont think that I am or would be completely happpy. I feel that I am comforming to the status quo - would I really be happy spending the rest of my life repressing my sexuality. Sexually I think I am more attracted to guys however in terms of relatioships I think that I find girls more appealing. Given I have never had a relationship with a guy I am not sure that this is a true opinion.

So my blog will hopefully allow me to get some of my thoughts in order and sort out my life finally! We'll see...........