Corner of an endless road

It has been a while since my last post but I have been having a ball working up in coastal NSW - enjoying the climate, beach, drinks and a whole different lifestyle. I won't lie but I missed Melbourne - its music and food scene is one of the best in the world. I didnt miss the routine that goes with living in Melbourne. The work was the same but everyone there is mostly there temporarily so this gave a "holiday" feel to everything. So now I am back in Melbourne again and sort of have an empty feeling... sort of like a part of me knows that I shouldn't live here for a while.

Luckily I have booked my great adventure which starts on Monday! I start by flying into London then mainly heading to eastern europe for 3 months. Then cuba for a month and then onto south america. This is something I have been dreaming of for ages and I can't wait. Whilst being apprehensive about traveling alone on the other hand the thought of traveling for 8 months is so exciting. I cant wait to see the sights, sample the foods and meet loads of people.I think the rest of this year will be an adventure... I have vague itineraries but no real plans for where I am going to be and when apart from the various flights that are booked which is always an exciting form of travel.

When I get back next year who knows where I will settle - maybe in Sydney or maybe even just travel around Australia working... There are lots of options.

In terms of the sexuality front.. lets say its dead in the water at the moment. I have lost interest in the few guys I was dating before leaving Melbourne. Friendships maybe.. but one is way too clingy I think even for that. I guess the best part of travel is that I can explore it without feeling like I need to hide something. The anonymity that goes with being in a foreign country helps that.

This is probably going to be my last post for a while, possibly forever. The blog, like myself feels unfinished. There is no happy ending, no torrid romances and no resolution. I would make the worst film ever... I don't know if I ever will be comfortable with my sexuality or even happy if I was comfortable but in saying that I know few people completely comfortable in their own skin. I just need to find one that fits... sometimes these things just take time though.

Thanks to my readers, commenter's, lurkers and msn chat buddies - if anyone is traveling around or lives in general vicinity of above places that I am travelling too drop me an email (theotherside78@gmail.com) and I can send you my travel blog details + msn and hopefully we can catch up for a random beer or four.

Take care :)

Release

Last night I got very drunk (not a rare occurrence recently) and was able to enjoy the public holiday today without having to work. The night was like any other really except for the fact that I have now come out to one of my friends! The night ended with just the two of us sitting around drinking and talking shit. We were getting all deep and meaningful and then she told me something quite personal. I said in return that I had something to tell her since we were sharing - i said that i've been seeing a few guys this year. Then came the questions and I basically told her the story that you guys all know.

I really have never been worried that my friends would not support me if I told them. I guess the biggest hurdle is how do I define myself to them. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be and the fact that I can feel comfortable talking to at least one of my friends about it means that at least I have progressed a little in a year.

Dont have any plans as yet to let anyone else know but I am sure it will come...

Going to be heading up to Sydney for a bit next week and then up north coast NSW for work for a couple of months. If you're around let me know. Always happy to meet new people.

the fear you wont fall

The death of someone so close to our own age-group is always so confronting. It brings thoughts of your own mortality and how precious and limited that our time here on earth is. The tragic death of Heath Ledger today showed how life can unravel so quickly even with the whole world watching.
I can never understand how Hollywood continues to produce such tragic stories - for a guy who seemingly had the whole world at his feet, a beautiful daughter, loving family, to die a lonely death like that is so saddening.

I cannot imagine what being depressed is like as I have not experienced it myself but definitely through my patients eyes and through friends that have had it I can say it would be like having your most down day over and over and over again.
Sometimes I feel down in the dumps mainly about my sexuality and coming to terms with that but usually that passes and I go on and live my life normally.

I am not a celebrity junky or awstruck around so called celebrities but my does heart goes out to Heath Ledger's family and friends. I will always remember him in the Aussie flick Two Hands which is one of my favorite movies. The tragedy around all this is his daughter is now without a father. His body of work will be a legacy for her and something she can be proud of.

All I can say is that if you are feeling depressed, not enjoying life then please speak to someone, there's plenty of help out there! Even drop me a line...

http://www.beyondblue.org.au

Merry Christmas

Well I'm back from my holidays and had an absolute blast. It was a real struggle to actually get back to work. I think I was ready just to keep going but I guess I will have next year for that.
Nothing really to report on the guy front - a few potentials but nothing really getting me that excited.

Anyway thought i'd drop by and say hi and wish anyone who still reads this thing a merry christmas. I am debating whether to stop blogging but I'll leave that decision to the new year. In the end it has to be for myself so I will probably still intermittently blog for now. Catch you all soon.

The Unmade Bed

Its been a busy few weeks for me which has involved a lot of massive nights. The weather is awesome at the moment and I think I have been playing up accordingly. I think I have consumed a small countries GDP in booze over the last month. Not good for the figure or the wallet. Parties, Caulfield cup, catching up with random friends have all led to me needing to go into detox. Last night was a perfect example - I went out to see an early gig nd my friend and I ended up having a boozy dinner until 2am.... Not complaining though as it was fun.

I have also been on a few dates recently - a couple with this guy. I don't think that he is my type and cant really see it lasting. Maybe friends but I doubt it. We're very different - but while I am having fun and enjoying his company, I'll go with it. I think I put out a booty call to him on Saturday... was pretty drunk... but ended up waking up in his bed on Sunday morning so must have worked. I just hope that he is not falling for me as he has made some comments along that line even though we've had the lets keep it casual for now discussion.

Also went on a date with this girl... I know, I know.. but meh sometimes its just easier. We just went out for drinks. It went quite well but once again I am not looking for any form of commitment at the moment. I am enjoying my singledom a bit too much. Plus I want to be single for my big trip next year - unless I find that awesome someone before then who also wants to come with me (chances... slim).

In other news I am about to go on my annual leave. Heading over to Asia again but this time to uncharted territory. I am actually going to China for most of the time and then onto Hong Kong for a short stint. I expect to be 10kg heavier when I get back... given my love for chinese food - noodles, dumplings, seafood.. I can't wait! I also cannot wait to see the Terracotta Warriors and the great wall as well as doing some nice mountain hikes and a bit of cycling. So probably won't post for a while until I get back. If you're in the area send me an email - be good to meet up for a drink :) So for now take care. Will fill you in on all crazy stories when I am back.

For my blog buddies - if you wanna stay in touch with my travels drop me a line and I can send you the link to my travel blog.

Waiting for my real life to begin

When I look back at what I wanted out of life 10 years ago its funny how nothing has really turned out as I expected it too. I am going to be 30 next year - its the age where you're supposed to have all your shit together, sorted out your issues and found someone to settle down with. Five years ago i thought that I did - studying for a good career, girl, travel plans... and tentative talk of weddings and kids.

Well i have a career and I have travel plans but what the hell happened to the other stuff. This whole sexuality thing has really thrown a spanner in the works. For me though I just want to be happy - to be comfortable in my own skin and not to have this spanner dangling constantly around my neck would make life so simpler. Some days I feel like running and maybe that is what the travel plans are - would starting afresh somewhere else really help me?

Every time I feel like I am becoming more comfortable with my sexuality - something happens or I get freaked out and take 3 steps backwards. Why is it such a hard thing to sort through? My biggest hurdle is the fact that I am bi. How the hell do you come out to people as being bi? Some of you may say this is a cop out but I could easily fall in love with a guy or a girl. I can truly say that.

I am yet to find that one person though that makes me want to see them everyday for the rest of my life. I am not looking for perfection. I think that is way too idealistic. Its people's quirks, their faults, their imperfections that make them interesting. I want the ultimate ride.. the ups and downs, the loops and if you hold on tight enough then you know you'll be ok. Sometimes I look at my elderly patients some of whom have been together for 50 odd years and even though their looks and bodies are fading, the sweetest gestures such as holding hands or a peck on the lips seem to be the most meaningful.

This is more a reflective post and probably gives you an indication of my mood lately. I think by coming out you go through loss before you can see the positives and maybe I am still going through this. Maybe when the positives start coming through I can be more on my way to accepting myself. I just don't want to be having these same pensive thoughts when I'm nearly 40.

Everyone deserves music 3

Found an awesome new artist to share with you all. He's a young Victorian guy... surprisingly he's a folky-acoustic singer. Does a bit of sampling as well in his music. Awesome Sunday arvo/chill out type music. His name is Whitley. The song below "I remember" is taken from his new album call the submarine. Fairly short album but there's some beautiful songs on it.


You can also find a cover of Bjork's Hyperballad that he did on this new tribute album to women in music by some all-male australian bands/artists called No man's woman. He is featured along with artists like Powderfinger, Paul Kelly, Lior and Josh Pyke. They have the whole album on myspace so if you wanna check it out you can. Not a bad listen.

Excuse me mr...

I have a guilty admission to make....

I like friends with benefits.

The idea of sex without consequence that is just for mutual pleasure really appeals to me at this stage. I don't want a relationship, I wanna get a bit more experience with guys and I don't really wanna sleep around with a number of random guys. Plus I am always horny... I guess when you are not getting anything you sort of don't miss it. Now I want it all the time!
Now all i need to find is this friend.

On other random occurrences.....

I had been chatting with this guy for a while online. We met up a while ago just for drinks.. there was no real sexual spark at that time.. So I just put him into the friends category and we kept in contact, however we met up again the other night and had a number of glasses of wine. Alcohol somehow for me is not a depressant - its makes me excitable in reasonable quantities. We ended up being together - it was pretty bad. I have experienced this once or twice in guys before... that as soon as they cum.. they just wanna roll over and go to sleep.. forgetting me! Let just say I was not impressed and left soon after. I think I will put him back into the friends category and put it down as a drunken error of judgment (yes i am fickle!)

Break for me

Since the last post a few things have happened. I have broken things off with the guy I was dating. He wasn't able to give me what I wanted and I was getting increasingly frustrated. In the end he could not accept the stage I was up to in my life and for him this meant holding back his feelings for me. He could not accept the fact that I could not fully define myself and was worried if he committed to me he would end up getting hurt because I would leave him for a girl. Understandably he was frustrated by the fact he couldn't fully be a part of my life at this stage but I was totally honest with him from the outset.

For me I was just happy to be with him. I enjoyed his company, eventually I would have integrated him into my life and when I was with him I couldn't see myself being with a girl or anyone else for that matter. Obviously this wasn't enough for him and the fact I was starting to have these feelings meant that I could no longer have this continue. So we ended it about a week ago now.

I have been fine since and actually feel a lot more emotionally stable since ending it as I hated the feelings of being unsure in the week or so leading up to it. I have no regrets and I wouldn't do anything different. I am actually really hoping we remain friends.

It has opened my eyes to the fact that I really should come out to people if I want to be able to get the most out of dating. I don't think I will date seriously for a bit unless someone extraordinary comes along. For now I need to sort out myself and this means resolving myself to actually come out. So now to develop a plan.... more to come on this later.

Everyone deserves music 2

I got home this morning at 5am and I'm so hungover today I can barely move... I had a friends 30th last night. It was awesome! Jager bombs are my downfall I think!

In other music news I went to the powderfinger-silverchair concert at Rod Laver arena on Tuesday night. It was brilliant. I usually am not a fan of massive stadium shows but this was up there with the U2 show. Silverchair were really entertaining... even threw in some old stuff for us oldies! Powderfinger blew me away again - for like the 8th or 9th time now hahaha! We managed to get about 10 rows from the front so I could stare at Bernard all night. When he sang these days and on my mind the crowd just went off!

I have also discovered some new music for you all. The first is a band call Silversun Pickups from LA. They are a bit smashing pumpkinsesque. I really love their album! I don't know how I didnt pick up they were playing here in Melbourne last Sunday but by the time I did the tix had sold out. Here are a couple of videos from them.



I also managed to pick up the new Ben Lee album. Its good but it hasn't blown me away yet like the last one. The first single is pretty poptastic though. Enjoy.